Pam had a brief, flirtatious interaction with a mystery man while attending a Chris Stapleton concert recentlyShe ultimately put an ask out on TikTok for help finding the man, whom she couldn’t stop thinking aboutOnce she found out he was married, she used her newfound platform to talk about dating online vs. in real life, and why we should all try to connect more in person
A woman getting back into the dating scene for the first time in almost 40 years recently had an education on what the single world is like today.
Pam, yes TikTok and @pamj2990tells PEOPLE she was looking forward to a fun, solo night out on the town at a Chris Stapleton concert in her area.
“Last minute, I bought a ticket. I was standing in the pit right in front of the stage. I met all these cool women around me. Chris Stapleton is my favorite, too. It was an amazing experience. I’m enjoying it and there’s this tall man who walks up next to me. He says, ‘I’ve been here since five o’clock. I’m trying to get back up to the front.’ And I said, ‘We’ll just say excuse me and they’ll let you through.’ ”
The mystery man didn’t move, however. Instead, “He put his arm around my waist.”
“It really took me by surprise and he said, ‘Now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether I should go back from where I was, or stay here with you.’ And before I could say anything, he turned around and walked off. He was gone.”
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Pam admitted she was “so disappointed” that she hadn’t made more of the moment. She tried looking for him a little while later, but couldn’t find him in the dark, crowded venue.
“It still affected me days later. And I am on TikTok, but I was just a scroller. I never posted any content but one day I just decided, ‘Maybe TikTok can help me find who this guy is,’ ” she says.
Pam then filmed the first of several now-viral videos detailing her saga of trying to find the country music-loving mystery man.
Within three days, Pam was contacted by a woman who thought she might know who the man was.
“She said, ‘I was not far from you. They were standing right next to us, we actually talked to them.’ And I asked, ‘Is he single?’ She said, ‘No, he’s married. His wife was right there with him.’ ”
Pam was astonished at the audacity of a married man to touch her in such close proximity to his wife. When the woman who sent the message provided a name and picture, Pam was able to confirm it was the same man, who she is not publicly identifying.
Pam learned the man didn’t live too far away from her, and had a public enough stature that made his behavior extra boisterous.
“I just found it very odd that a married man would walk up to a woman like that with maybe six people standing between them and their spouse,” she shares.
As the saga unfolded on TikTok, plenty of people became invested in Pam’s updates, with a few encouraging her to out the man in question.
“They wanted me to reach out to his wife, and that’s not my job. I’m not into destroying relationships or marriages,” she said. “I didn’t make that event happen. I was standing in one spot for five hours and he came up to me, so I didn’t feel it was my job to contact his wife. And nothing happened.”
She continued, “It started some conversations. A few people thought I was naive for thinking he wasn’t spoken for. But I literally spent 42 years locked up with the same man and I’m new to this world and figuring it all out. This is all brand new to me.”
Some naysayers have tried to dismiss Pam as “desperate,” but she says she doesn’t feel sorry for being “curious” as she continues to talk about the realities of dating today on TikTok.
“I got married when I was 17. I had children very early. I’ve got five grandchildren. When I was dating, as a teenager, you met people in school. I knew them, I knew their families. I knew their history. Fast forward 42 years and it’s a very somber scene,” she says. “You weed out scammers and people who are too far away, who you have things in common with, and you’re left with singles who are desperately lonely. I’m trying to figure out a way to take it from behind a phone to face to face.”
“Completely gone are the days of meeting people in church, at parties, social functions, on vacations,” she adds. “Even people matching friends up, all that’s over. I think it’s gotten worse in recent years because people are so scared to be vulnerable and put themselves out there, to trust again.”
Pam says she believes people have become increasingly “phony” as they navigate the dating world from behind a screen.
“I have a date coming up. How do I know he’s not married, or divorced, or paroled? That trust factor is damaged between people,” she says. “Women over 40 are also just done. So many have locked in on the notion that they are never looking again, ever dating again. They are happily single after being hurt or scorned and are content to die single and never talk about it.”
In sharing her opinions on TikTok, Pam has found many others who agree that the dating scene feels like it’s at an impasse.
“Dating apps become addictive and people love the attention. Even when they’re in an exclusive relationship, they’re still on the dating app,” she explains. “The best example for it that I’ve found is this: I’m looking for the perfect cocktail dress and I’m done, I’ve found it. But you know what, what if there’s a better dress? I’m going to keep shopping. I’ve already bought this dress. It’s been tailored to fit me, and it’s perfect in my mind, but I’m gonna keep looking. That’s what dating is like.”
In continuing the conversation, Pam hopes to help people realize “We can do better.”
Pam says this experience has opened her eyes to a lot and helped her understand what she’s looking for moving forward.
“You have to do different things. I was scared to death to travel solo and I’m doing that now, because it gets me out of my comfort zone. That concert was the first time I went to a concert alone. I loved it and I’ll do it again,” she says. “You gotta swallow that confidence pill and get out there and just do whatever you want to do and and be happy. Just live your life.”
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